Living Our Lives Three Months At A Time

Please read the first part of Claire and Carrie's Story Here

Married, In Love, Yet Strangers by US Law

At the time of our last post, November 2010, Claire was unemployed and in the UK, searching for any work with no success.  In December 2010, she ran across a position that looked and sounded perfect.  She did all she could to prepare and was shortlisted down to 5 to be interviewed.  With the economy still being so bad, there had been no offers for interview, so this was encouraging.

Claire did beautifully in the interview and felt really good about her chances.  Sadly, the position was offered to someone else.  Claire was feeling defeated before this, she was gutted by not getting the job and felt completely alone with me on the other side of the world.  She called to tell me about the job and broke down (not something my wife does).  We had no idea when we would be together again, Christmas was close and we felt every mile of the distance between us.  Claire asked me to consider traveling to the UK to be there for her.  The decision was easy to make, but the many details to make it happen weren’t so easy.

We agreed that I would go for nearly 3 months to give me time to recover from the long trip (my health is not particularly good) and actually have real time together.  I had less than 2 weeks to pull it off.  Got my flight sorted quickly—that was the easy part.  I had to contact my healthcare provider for 3 months worth of prescriptions, not so easy.  I got my meds 2 days before my flight.  I arranged for our daughter, Ariana, to stay at our apartment and look after our cats while I was away and had my sister poking her head in each week to be sure everything was going all right.  I had to make sure everything was up to date on our cars (Ariana’s car was in my name), all bills were paid, temporary holds placed on some accounts, bank was aware I would be out of the country, and so many little details.  My step-dad's health was rapidly diminishing; I was grateful I’d spent time with him the year before and we’d said our goodbyes.

It was a long trip.  I was completely exhausted when I arrived at Heathrow.  Security was tough.  I was asked the reason for my trip and I told the officer I was there to see Claire.  I was asked how much money I had with me and at my disposal and told I didn’t bring enough cash.  The officer then asked what type of employment I had and wrote “unemployed” when I told her I was retired on disability.  She then wanted to know where Claire worked.  When I said Claire was actively pursuing getting work, I got a “look” and the officer informed me that she shouldn’t allow me to enter the country since we were both unemployed.  I tried to explain that I have stable income and that I would not be looking for any public assistance.  I was terrified that I was going on the next flight out without being able to even let Claire know.  My passport was finally stamped and I was allowed into the UK, being reminded that I could only have a total of 6 months out of 12 (starting with the day I first enter the country) in the UK.

Finally, I was in the UK.  I did not receive the wheelchair assistance I had requested and had to walk the length of Heathrow Airport on my own, no small task.  I got my bags and found Claire frantically waiting.  I was the last person through the gates, unassisted, 30 minutes after all the other passengers from my flight had gone through.  We took the taxi trip home to a place I’d never been—even exhausted, I loved the snow-covered countryside and, especially, my wife by my side.  My darling decorated for our first Christmas together.  I spent the first week sleeping as best I could to overcome my jet-lag, but we were finally together, if only temporarily.

Claire continued to job-hunt and finally found a position.  She was working by the end of January.  We were elated that she landed a position with a company owned by an American firm—we don’t know if it will ever help in getting her over here as she’s been with them a short time and is learning the ropes, but the really good thing is that it is run more like an American company than a British one and so Claire has the opportunity to learn how differently things are done here without the culture-shock that she will have when she is able to finally come home to me and work here.

It proved to be good timing for me to be in the UK when I was.   Our boiler quit putting out any hot water.  We had heat, but no way to bathe other than in the sink.  Claire was out of the house on training for 12-16 hours every day.  I needed to be the housewife and deal with the workmen replacing the boiler and installing a shower.  It was utter chaos for over 2 weeks.  I walked to a beauty salon about a block from our house a few times to have my hair washed as I cannot bend over a sink.  There would not have been any way for all the work to be done so “quickly” had I not been there, not with Claire’s only weekday off being Mondays.

While I was in the UK, my step-father passed away.  It hurt not to be with my daughter, as he was her grandfather and she loved him dearly.  I called family members regularly, but it’s not the same as being there.  I felt homesick for our cats, for my sister, and, especially, my daughter.  But, I was at home with my wife, and that was wonderful! 

Because I am allowed 6 months out of 12 in the UK on a visa waiver, Claire and I decided that I would come to her for 3 months then be in California 3 months until she can come to me permanently.  Prior to this trip, Claire had worked for a company that gave her wonderful holiday benefits and she was always able to come to me.  Once her job was eliminated and she had to find other employment, she lost the benefits and we knew that we would have to wait a long time for her to be in a position to be able to come to me at all. 

From the beginning, Claire’s concern for my health would not permit her to even entertain the thought of my making the long trip and staying in England’s changeable and bitter weather.  With nothing changing regarding immigration laws, we did not even know when we would see each other again.  I am grateful that we were forced to reconsider.  It wasn’t easy, but I needed to be with my wife.  I far better understand what it might be like to be among those living in exile—how painful! 

 I returned to California in March 2011.  It broke our hearts as I got in the taxi and Claire went off to work the morning I left.  I was thrilled to be with my daughter and kitties again, but it hurt so badly being away from Claire.  The same week I returned, the engine blew out on my daughter’s car (which was still in my name) and I had so much to do to bring it back to town and get it salvaged—nothing about it was straight-forward.  It took about 3 weeks to get it all worked out.  In the meantime, I’ve not had time to recover from my uneventful (thankfully) return flight.  I was exhausted and stressed and missing my wife and got a miserable sinus infection and ended up with a horrible bout of bronchitis—and I still had to figure out how to file my income taxes.  In California, we are married.  However, Claire is a “non-resident alien.”  Under federal law (DOMA), we are strangers.  Even though I worked in taxes for 20 years prior to my disability retirement, I was completely flummoxed as to how to file.  I, finally, one week before they were due, contacted a preparer to help me.  DOMA is costly and blatantly discriminatory.  I pay my taxes, even when the laws don’t make sense and hurt me.  We finally got my returns mailed by the deadline, but I was made even more keenly aware how “second-class” committed gay couples are treated, yet the government is able to take more in taxes from us than from married straight couples.  We are funding our own discrimination!

I am returning to the UK for another 3 months starting in June.  I need to be there to celebrate Claire’s 50^th birthday and to meet my in-laws for the very first time, although we’ve been talking on the telephone over the past 5 years.  During my December 2010 to March 2011 stay, I ventured out no more than 6 times.  The weather and my health kept me housebound.

Until the laws of our land accept us with equal treatment, this is our life.  3 months in California, 3 months in the UK.  It’s hard.  It’s challenging.  But it’s more than we’ve ever had before.

 

 

 

 

 

A Very Personal Post

This story has nothing to do about the Uniting American Families Act. It has nothing to do with being a lesbian. It has a more personal note to it. Please forgive and please indulge.

I was moved to the core by the amazing courage of this lady to tell her story of such a personal and visceral attack. Her courage and strength are amazing and inspiring. She speaks of the marks on her body.... and I remember.

Thank you for listening and I encourage all who who can "remember" to please know there is healing in telling and talking. Lots of healing, safe and honest hugs to those who know, remember and understand.

ADDENDUM:

Thank you for all of the responses with concerns and sweet support I have gotten in my personal email regarding the statement that I, too, remember the marks in and on my body.

I will tell this: I was but a little girl when my abuse started. My first memory was at the age of seven...this went on until I was able to leave at the age of 18. I am doing well now. Although I have been diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and sometimes the nightmares and flashbacks come, for the most part, life is wonderful. Again, your sweet words of support have touched my heart. Thank you.

Christian Attorney says, "DOMA is Unconstitutional"

While people may say that they believe in "traditional" marriage (meaning between one man and one woman), they still cannot deny that the "Defense of Marriage Act" is Unconstitutional. The American Family Association's in-house attorney says that while he and many members of his organization believe that marriage should be reserved only for heterosexual adults, the Defense of Marriage Act is "probably unconstitutional."

Here is my question: Exactly what is traditional marriage? They say that it is between one man and one woman. This is a fairly new "tradition". In the Old Testament King Solomon had 300 wives and 700 concubines. Basically, what they mean when they say "traditional marriage" is marriage by what we believe to be Christian standards. Indeed, it seems that the tradition they are speaking of is quite nontraditional.

Most of the "traditions" we associate with marriage are in fact comparatively new. It was only two centuries ago that people began to marry for love rather than for mercenary or practical considerations. Only 130 years ago did men start to lose their legal right to physically beat or imprison their wives. And only in the past 40 years have we established the principle that within a marriage wives and husbands have equal rights in decision-making.

Not until 1979 did the last American state finally repeal its "Head and Master" law, which had given husbands the final say over many aspects of family life. Not until 1993 did marital rape become a crime in every state, overturning the millennia-old tradition that a wife was obligated to have sex with her husband whenever he demanded it.

'Traditional' marriage has changed a lot Seattle Post-Intelligencer, February 23, 2006

By Stephanie Coontz

Stephanie Coontz teaches history and family studies at The Evergreen State College and is the author of "Marriage, A History: How Love Conquered Marriage" (Viking Penguin).

So what are they fighting for??? A law that is unconstitutional and defends marriage that is nontraditional. Their reasons? They believe it is the Christian thing to do.

I do not want to take away their Christianity. I am a Christian. All I want to be able to do is marry my same sex partner and have it respected and recognized by the government both State and Federal.

Married and in Love....Yet, Strangers by US Law

Carrie Tucker is a 55-year old native Californian, a veteran of the United States Air Force and a former State of California employee. Carrie is also disabled, having had to take disability retirement after working and paying taxes her whole life. Carrie’s wife, Claire Pollard, is a 49-year-old British citizen who has worked her entire life. Claire resides in the United Kingdom.

Carrie and Claire met in early 2005 on an internet social site. They quickly became friends and began emailing and instant messaging on a daily basis. Neither Carrie or Claire was looking for love, but by early 2006, after countless chats, emails and phone calls, they both felt a strong desire to meet in person. Claire traveled to California in April 2006 for a two week holiday. Everything they felt for one another was confirmed—Carrie and Claire were deeply in love. Carrie’s 14-year-old daughter, Ariana, also enjoyed meeting Claire and let it be known that she approved of Claire for her mom.

After Claire returned to the UK, the emails, phone calls and internet became their daily lifeline. By July 2006, they knew they needed to share their lives together as life partners, spouses. On September 7, 2006, Claire was back in California for another brief holiday and the two had a commitment ceremony, officiated by a United Church of Christ minister. In attendance were Ariana, who wrote a loving message she gave during the ceremony, and Carrie’s sister, Christine, who took photos, gave her blessing as well.

Carrie, Claire and Ariana at their 2006 commitment ceremony From the start, Carrie and Claire agreed that Claire would move to California, where Carrie’s family lives. Because of her physical disabilities, a move to the United Kingdom was not possible for Carrie. Together, the couple pursued every possibility offered by the immigration law to find a way for Claire to legally live in the U.S. They looked into H-1B visas and student visas. The couple contacted Immigration Equality and confirmed they had looked into the only ways to proceed. They were one couple of the thousands of binational couples whose love knew no borders, and whose commitment to each other was boundless, but they were face-to-face with the reality that the Defense Of Marriage Act legally keeps them apart.

Claire was fortunate to work for an employer that allowed her to take 2-3 weeks holiday a few times a year and the women filled their time together trying to live as if they never had to part. For years, these few visits each year became their routine, the rhythm of their relationship. On one of these visits, Carrie and Claire decided to marry. They took the 2 hour plane trip to Vancouver and were married on September 15, 2007, a year after their commitment ceremony in Sacramento. During their stay in Vancouver, they discovered they liked the city and the climate would be mild enough for Carrie’s health. They started to consider a plan to move to Canada, with Claire going first and Carrie following after her daughter turned 18 and graduated high school. They contacted highly reputable Canadian immigration attorneys, who determined the women could qualify to immigrate under the Skilled Worker program with Claire as the lead applicant. It seemed a future together was in reach. Even though it meant moving to a third country, it meant they could be together. Finally. And then, just as it looked like there was light at the end of the tunnel, the global economy crashed and went into recession. Canada retroactively eliminated Claire’s skill set from the Skilled Worker category. This was an expensive and devastating blow to the pair. They learned that if Claire could get a sponsor employer she might still get a work permit and work toward permanent residency. In May 2008, Claire took an unpaid, one-month leave from her work and the couple rented a condominium in Vancouver while Claire did a job search. Sadly, this effort came to naught.

Carrie and Claire are legally married. Their marriage is recognized under California state law. Ariana sees Claire as her stepmother. Carrie’s family has welcomed Claire with open arms. And still, the federal government sees Carrie, an Air Force veteran, and the love of her life, her wife, Claire, as nothing but strangers to each other. Denying this loving, committed, married couple equal recognition of their marriage has devastating consequences, not only for Claire and Carrie, but also for Ariana who is now 18, and has been deprived of having step-mom Claire in her life for more than five years.

In the summer of 2010, Claire’s job was made redundant and she came to California for the longest time the couple had ever shared together—a whopping 85 days—for the first time they were together long enough to actually calculate carefully as to be sure not to run astray of the visa waiver limit of 90 days. Claire is currently job hunting in the UK and they have no immediate plans for a future together in one country; just a fervent prayer that the discriminatory laws of the US will change and allow Carrie to sponsor her wife for residency in the US.

Beyond being denied the ability to live together (which, in and of itself, is excruciatingly painful) is the fact that the laws have denied Carrie’s daughter the loving presence of Claire during her teen years. Ariana and Claire are virtual strangers, Carrie feels fragmented by the split. The years lost to this loving family can never be recaptured. The Tucker-Pollards only want what other married couples have—the ability to live with their family, together.

The impact of the Defense of Marriage Act on Ariana cannot be ignored. When lawmakers passed DOMA they failed to consider its impact on the children of binational couples. The fight to repeal DOMA is a fight to preserve marriages and families.

Can You Justify Discrimnation Because of Sin?

This last week, God sent an email out to all the sinless Holy people..... did you get one? Neither did I.

I have been told over and over again that the reason why the "Religious Right" are against Same Sex Marriage, is because it is a sin. Whereas I have said numerous times in previous posts that Bible research does not support this,

(http://binationalcouples.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-says-homosexuality.html)

(http://binationalcouples.blogspot.com/2011/03/ruth-and-naomi.html)

(http://binationalcouples.blogspot.com/2011/02/jesus-greatest-commandments-and.html)

(http://binationalcouples.blogspot.com/2011/01/what-other-abominations-should-we.html)

(http://binationalcouples.blogspot.com/2011/01/does-god-really-hate-homosexuals.html)

(http://binationalcouples.blogspot.com/2010/12/favorite-sin-of-conseratives.html)

(http://binationalcouples.blogspot.com/2010/12/i-have-family-values-ohand-im-gay.html)

I wish to indulge those who still believe that homosexuality is a sin and ask them the following: Why do you take such a strong stance against homosexuality and not against the abominations that the Bible names?

The Bible talks a lot about adultery, yet, Newt Gingrich can make a serious run for the Presidency. The Bible talks about a "Proud Look" being an abomination, yet, Donald Trump can make the news about his thoughts on running for the Presidency. No one makes mention of other sins. No one seems to care that the Bible clearly states that "all Liars shall find their place in the Lake of Fire".

The Bible also has the 10 Commandments. How many of those get broken on a daily basis by taking the Lords name in vain, by not attending church, by lusting in our hearts, by lying and disrespect. I think that the Lord Jesus Christ said it best when He said, "Why do you care about the speck of dust in your brother's eye, when you have a huge beam in your own eye..."

Why would you discriminate against Lesbians and Gays because you feel it is a sin, when you are nothing but a sinner yourself? "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone"

One other arguement that seems to be making it's rounds is that same sex couples cannot have children. This is simply not true. Without using an expensive fertility clinic, my spouse and I got pregnant at home without a man present...just his sperm. I even wrote an eBook on it called Artificial Insemination on a Budget. We actually have two sons who are full siblings, as we were able to use the same sperm donor twice. So another arguement is rendered useless. Love is the greatest power that is known to man. The Bible says that "God is Love". To try and stop love is futile and love will triumph.

Pass the Uniting American Families Act and the Respect for Marriage Act. Just because something is a tradition, doesn't mean it is always the right thing to do. Some times rules are meant to be broken, sometimes traditions must be changed and make new traditions.

What Now? Can We Get the UAFA Passed?

Today the Uniting American Families Act was introduced into Congress with a record number of co-sponsors. While I am very thankful for those who have introduced our bill again into Congress, I am wondering what hope does it have to make it out of the Judiciary committee? I have watched this bill die many times before. I am no longer willing to stand silent and let others fight my battles nor just hope that it gets passed.

Here is the course the bills will take. They are introduced into Congress. They get read aloud twice and then get sent to Committee. Our bills get sent to the Committee of the Judiciary. Now in this committee is a subcommittee for immigration. I do not know if our bill will make it there. Our bills will be brought up in their committees. If the Committee of the Judiciary finds that there is good reason for it to pass as law, it gets sent back to the floor of the House or Senate. It then has to be discussed or debated and voted upon. Our bills have never made it out of the Judiciary Committee.

If you think I am painting a dark,dim, and dismal picture, I want to encourage you to change this bills course. Call, tweet, fax, and/or email your Congress people daily...yes daily. If you do not know who your Congress people are, you can find out on the web on this web site: Write Your Representative

The Honorable Zoe Lofgren wrote a wonderful letter and it gives me hope. I hope that the Courts are able to move a little faster than Congress. Let's keep this moving.
Please, let's do this. Let's contact Congress everyday so that the first thing on their minds is the Uniting American Families Act and the last thing they think of before they drift off to sleep is the Uniting American Families Act. We need to make this year our year. We have waited and waited. I don't want to have to wait until the 113th Congress. We can make a difference.

Judiciary Committee: Where My Family's Rights go to Die

The Respect for Marriage Act (RFMA)...you know the one. It would repeal the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA)....you know the one that says Marriage is between one Man and one Woman. It has gone the way of all bills regarding the rights of this US citizen to marry the love of my life. It has gone the way of all bills regarding the Immigration Rights of same sex bi-national couples. It has gone to the Judiciary Committee in both the House and the Senate. I can almost quote http://www.thomas.gov/ as I have seen bills like this one go down to the Judiciary for about 10 years now: "Read twice and referred to the Committee on the Judiciary".

I now hear rumors that the Uniting American Families Act will be introduced into Congress probably on Thursday. I wish this could make me excited, I wish this could make me happy and hopeful. Unfortunately, all it does is make me sad and wistful. I hope to the Almighty that someone will say, "Wait, stop this bill should not be sent to committee...this bill should be voted on and passed TODAY." That would give me hope, that would be cause for excitement.

Why Congress thinks very little of United States Citizens, I have no idea. We are just asking to be allowed to live in our country with the person that with whom we have fallen in love. It is not evil, it is not a conspiracy, it is not even equal marriage rights. All we, as same sex bi-national couples want, is to be free to live with our spouses without fear of deportation.

I am willing to talk, to debate, or whatever to anyone who has questions, comments and can be helpful in getting this bill passed.

DO NOT LET IT DIE in Judiciary Committee as it has for the last 10 years. Please, our families depend on it to be able to be together, live in peace and be free.